Way Too Many Questions...

I recognise you'll probably get bored after the first 20, but hey... 

·                     Who closes the door after the bus driver gets off the bus?

·                     Why are pizza boxes square when the pizza is round?

·                     What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.

·                     Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

·                     Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?

·                     Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

·                     What do you call a female daddy long legs?

·                     If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

·                     Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

·                     If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the 

number of the cars in the pile-up?

·                     In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?

·                     Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?

·                     Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

·                     If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?

·                     Why are SOFTballs hard?

·                     Do vampires get AIDS?

·                     Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

·                     Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?

·                     Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?

·                     If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?

·                     Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

·                     Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?

·                     Can people without hands get a grip?

·                     Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

·                     Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

·                     Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

·                     Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?

·                     What do people in China call their good plates?

·                     Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

·                     If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?

·                     Does a postman deliver his own mail?

·                     Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

·                     If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

·                     Why dosent a chicken egg taste like chicken?

·                     Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?

·                     Does peanut butter really have butter in it?

·                     Do mimes watch silent movies?

·                     Is the fear of flying groundless?

·                     Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?

·                     Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

·                     Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?

·                     If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?

·                     Why are boxing rings square?

·                     Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?

·                     Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?

·                     Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?

·                     What was the best thing before sliced bread?

·                     Why do birds have white poop?

·                     Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?

·                     Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?

·                     Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.

·                     If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

·                     If you accidently ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?

·                     Do sore thumbs really stick out?

·                     Why is it when you're almost dead you're on deaths doorstep, but when you're actually dead your not in deaths house?

·                     Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?

·                     What's the opposite of opposite?

·                     If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?

·                     Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?

·                     Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack" ?

·                     If you try to fail and suceed, what did you just do?

·                     Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

·                     Why is the blackboard green?

·                     Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?

·                     Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?

·                     What do you call male ballerinas?

·                     How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?

·                     If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?

·                     Why are pennies bigger than dimes?

·                     Did they have antiques in the olden days?

·                     Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

·                     If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?

·                     Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?

·                     What came first, the fruit or the color orange?

·                     Where does the white go when the snow melts?

·                     Can blind people see their dreams?

·                     What is the exception to the rule that every rule has an exception? Does that make this rule right or wrong?

·                     Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?

·                     Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?

·                     Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

·                     If we all evolved from monkeys, how come there's still monkeys around now?

·                     Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

·                     Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

·                     If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

·                     If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?

·                     Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?

·                     Why is black history month (February) the shortest month of the year?

·                     If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"

·                     Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?

·                     Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?

·                     Why do we leave expensive cars in the drivway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?

·                     Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?

·                     What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?

·                     Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?

·                     What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?

·                     Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

·                     If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

·                     Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

·                     Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?

·                     What would happen if an Irresistable Force met an Immovable Object?

·                     What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?

·                     If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?

·                     How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?

·                     Why are both male and female ladybugs called ladybugs instead of ladybugs and manbugs?

·                     How can you hear yourself think?

·                     If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

·                     Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?

·                     Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?

·                     How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?

·                     If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?

·                     If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

·                     Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

·                     If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?

·                     Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?

·                     If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

·                     If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?

·                     Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?

·                     Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?

·                     How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?

·                     Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?

·                     Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?

·                     Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?

·                     Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?

·                     Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

·                     How does santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?

·                     If you get cheated by the better business bereau, who do you complain to?

·                     If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

·                     What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

·                     What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?

·                     Why are turds pinched off at the end?

·                     I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?

·                     If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?

·                     Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

·                     If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?

·                     How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?

·                     What would you use to dilute water?

·                     What should one call a male ladybird?

·                     How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?

·                     If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?

·                     Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

·                     If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

·                     Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

·                     Aren't all generalizations false?

·                     Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

·                     Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

·                     Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?

·                     Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

·                     Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?

·                     If so, how could you treat them?

·                     Did Adam and Eve have navels?

·                     Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

·                     Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!

·                     Do fish get cramps after eating?

·                     Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

·                     Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

·                     Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

·                     Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?

·                     Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

·                     Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?

·                     Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

·                     How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

·                     How can someone "draw a blank"?

·                     How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

·                     How can there be "self help GROUPS"?

·                     How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

·                     How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

·                     How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

·                     How do you know when yogurt goes bad?

·                     How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

·                     How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

·                     How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

·                     How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?

·                     How is it possible to have a civil war?

·                     If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

·                     If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

·                     If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?

·                     If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

·                     If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?

·                     If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

·                     If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?

·                     If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

·                     If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

·                     If God dropped acid, would he see people?

·                     How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?

·                     How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

·                     If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

·                     If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

·                     If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

·                     If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?

·                     If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?

·                     If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

·                     If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?

·                     If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?

·                     If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?

·                     If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

·                     If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

·                     If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

·                     If God sneezes...what should you say?

·                     If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?

·                     If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

·                     If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

·                     If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

·                     If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

·                     If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

·                     If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

·                     If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

·                     If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

·                     If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

·                     If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?

·                     If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

·                     If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

·                     If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?

·                     If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?

·                     If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

·                     If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

·                     If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

·                     If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?

·                     If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

·                     If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

·                     If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

·                     If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

·                     If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

·                     If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

·                     If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

·                     If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?

·                     If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?

·                     If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

·                     If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?

·                     If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?

·                     If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

·                     If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?

·                     If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?

·                     If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

·                     If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

·                     If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?

·                     If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?

·                     If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?

·                     If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

·                     If you take a shower, where do you put it?

·                     If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

·                     If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

·                     If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?

·                     If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

·                     Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

·                     Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

·                     Is it possible to be totally partial?

·                     Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?

·                     Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

·                     Is there a Dr. Salt?

·                     Isn't hot water already hot?

·                     Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

·                     Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

·                     Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

·                     Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

·                     Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

·                     Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?

·                     Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

·                     There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

·                     What came first the chicken or the egg?

·                     What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

·                     What colour would a smurf turn if you choked it?

·                     What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?

·                     What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

·                     What do sheep count when they can't sleep?

·                     What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

·                     What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?

·                     What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

·                     What happened to the first 6 ups?

·                     What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

·                     What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?

·                     What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

·                     What is another word for "thesaurus"?

·                     What is the speed of dark?

·                     What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?

·                     What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

·                     What's another word for synonym?

·                     When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?

·                     When people lose weight, where does it go?

·                     When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

·                     When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?

·                     When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

·                     When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

·                     When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

·                     Where are Preparations A through G?

·                     Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

·                     Who invented accents?

·                     Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?

·                     Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

·                     Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

·                     Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

·                     Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?

·                     Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?

·                     Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

·                     Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

·                     Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

·                     Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?

·                     Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?

·                     Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

·                     Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?

·                     Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?

·                     Why do bars advertise live bands?

·                     What does a dead band sound like?

·                     Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

·                     If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?

·                     Why do guys wear underpants?

·                     Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?

·                     Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?

·                     Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

·                     Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

·                     Why do they report power outages on TV?

·                     Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?

·                     Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?

·                     Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

·                     Why do we have hot water heaters?

·                     Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

·                     Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

·                     Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

·                     Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

·                     Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

·                     Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

·                     Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

·                     Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

·                     Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

·                     Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

·                     Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?

·                     Why don't you ever see baby pigions?

·                     Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

·                     Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?

·                     Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

·                     Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?

·                     Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

·                     Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

·                     Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

·                     Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

·                     Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

·                     Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?

·                     Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?

·                     Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

·                     Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

·                     Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?

·                     Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

·                     Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

·                     Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?

·                     Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

·                     Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

·                     Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

·                     Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

·                     Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

·                     Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

·                     You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

·                     Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

·                     After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

·                     You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

·                     Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

·                     Have ex-bankers become disinterested?

·                     Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?

·                     Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?

·                     Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?

·                     Have ex-punsters been expunged?

Did you really get this far?!

Excerpt from "Going Home"

Excerpt from "Going Home", one of the short stories in "Tales from the Mind Field" just published on Amazon... http://amzn.to/1BGcoWY 

...They were laughing as they played by the side of the river. The little girl was running back and forth up and down the small embankment from the waters edge back up to the boy. She kept calling him to join her there by the water. She began taunting him, trying to get him to come down off the embankment. Finally he gave in and carefully came down to the waters edge. She splashed in the shallow part by the drop off that led to the deeper part of the river where the waters were rushing much quicker. She laughed at his apparent apprehension to go near the water. She continued taunting him. Suddenly, she heard her name being called. There it was again. She turned to see where the calling was coming from. When she turned back towards the water, she didn't see the boy anymore but heard her name again....

"RESOLUTIONS" AGAIN?

“Resolutions” Again?

It seems hard to believe, each year coming faster and faster, but it’s the beginning of yet another year – 12 fresh months of virgin time, available for you to accomplish something grand. It’s also a time when many people make their “New Years Resolutions”. Did you ever notice that when you talk to people about their resolutions, paradoxically, there is usually an air of resignation? No one seems to really believe that they’re going to stay on top of those things they resolve to do. So resolutions don’t have much of a powerful feel to them – and they’re almost always about giving something up. They just don’t seem to drive any action.

When I had my coaching practice some years ago, I would talk to my clients about intentions instead of resolutions. Intentions are the things we intend to make happen, and by that imagining our intentions are real, bring to bear all the resources and force of will we have at our disposal.

We set our intentions and focus our imagination thereby making our intentions real in our minds. This leads us to specific goals, which leads to game plans which ultimately then leads to actions. Which of course then leads to results.

Did you catch that?

• Set intentions and imagine them as real
• Which leads to goals
• Which leads to game plans
• Which leads to actions
• Which leads to RESULTS

So…what are you going to make happen this coming year? What results are you going to produce – for yourself, your business, your family, your community? Do you want to double your sales? Increase your profits? Maybe buy a new house or a new car or take a trip around the world? Will you run a marathon, master downhill skiing or snowboarding, or slim down or bulk up? Or maybe you will change the world, even if only by a little bit. No matter what your intentions are, here are a few questions to answer:

• Specifically, what are your intentions for the coming year? Answer this in detail: how much or how many, and by when. What will those intentions look like when realized?
• How are you going to increase your personal power – the velocity with which you turn your intentions into reality.
• What resources can you bring to bear to realize your intentions?
• What things, if not dealt with, could stand in your way of reaching your goals?
• How are you going to get help?

Answering the last question could mean the difference between success and failure. I urge you to think about it seriously. In the meantime, have a happy and productive New Year.

Join me on my Facebook page. 

Follow me on Twitter @RMVCARD 

"Tales from the Mind Field" A collection of short stories coming after the 1st of the year.

THE CHRISTMAS VISITOR

THE CHRISTMAS GHOST

You've had it happen I’m sure. You’re someplace, anyplace and you see a shadow of sorts out of your peripheral vision, maybe even right in front of you.

You don’t give it a lot of thought until that day or maybe the next day or two you learn that someone you know has died. You give it some thought and then dismiss it as nothing. I’ve had this happen on more than one occasion. The first time was on Christmas Eve 1973 as I stood in front of my boss’s office at the copy machine. He was out of the office at the time and the lights were out so the glass window was more a reflection than anything. I noticed it was 10:40 on the clock above the machine. As I stood there making copies, I glanced up and saw the shadow of a figure behind me. I spoke, “I’ll be done here in a moment” and I was. As I turned around, there was no one there. In fact there was no one within 100 feet or more. Odd I thought and went about my business. The next day my brother called me there at work to inform me that my mother had died.

“Oh no” I said, “When did it happen”

“Around 10: 30 or so the day before.” came his reply.

That evening as I prepared to drive to Phoenix to attend to things related to my mothers death, I thought about that shadow I had seen behind me at the copy machine. Was it a sign? Since I do believe in things paranormal and such I couldn't dispel the notion that I had in fact “seen” my mothers demise.

As the years went by, I heard and read many more stories about people who had experienced similar situations only adding credence to the notion that death may well visit prior to it’s actual arrival.

Coincidentally, a week before Christmas in 1980 I was dating a gal who was open to my theories about the matter. One evening while we were sitting on the couch in her living room, she abruptly disengaged from our “hugging” to exclaim, “Did you see that?” I honestly had to say that I hadn't since I had been similarly engrossed in our… uh, shall we say, “hugging?

She swore that she saw a dark figure move across the room and disappear.

I acknowledged that in fact it was possible but that she shouldn't give too much thought to it since there were better things to concentrate on at the moment. So chivalrous I am. Anyway, two days later she called me crying. Her father in Colorado had died two nights ago. Okay, that got my attention and I talked with her at length about how that was actually a good thing that she had been “witness’ to her fathers passing.

Several years later I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping at the mall on my way to my sisters house for some holiday cheer. I seem to always find myself having to pick up things right at the last moment. Yes, this time I saw it again. In the window reflection at Macy’s there it was. A dark shadow passed right over me and suddenly shot upward. I turned to see, but there was no one there. A shiver went down my spine as I immediately reflected on the past experiences I have had. I wondered who it might be. Someone I know? Someone who’s close to me knows? What a terrible time of the year to lose someone, right at what’s supposed to be the happiest time of the year and suddenly someone dies. I finished my shopping and walked out to the parking lot to my car. The parking lot was filled with shoppers going to and fro with their packages. I couldn't shake the thought that someone somewhere was going to be crying this season.

I arrived at my sister’s home around 9:30. Everyone else had arrived much earlier. As I walked in I immediately saw my sister sobbing as she was being held by her husband. My brother was sitting on the couch, his head down in his hands. Several others of her guest were somber and whispering quietly among themselves. There it was I thought. Once again I had experienced the moment perhaps when someone we knew had lost his or her life.

“Sis” I said, “Who is it. Tell me what happened”

Her grief was I guess too much for her to even hear me and respond. John, her husband slowly looked up and stared past me. He too seemed overwhelmed at the loss of whoever it was. No one was speaking, even when I addressed a couple sitting next to my brother on the couch. Every one seemed entirely consumed by the loss of someone they all must have known. I sat down on the piano seat in the corner and just waited. I finally addressed my brother, “Richard” I began, “Who is it? Who died?”

He head slowly rose from his hands as he seemingly acknowledged that he had heard me though he looked away towards my sister.

“Richard” I repeated, “Tell me” He got up slowly, ignoring me and walked over to my sister and put his arms around she and her husband.

Why was no one speaking to me? It was as if I was invisible there in the room with them. I stood up abruptly and spoke loudly, “Why is no one answering me?” I said

As I looked around the room, suddenly I knew.

THE END.

Do follow me on my Facebook page at: Facebook.com/RMVilloria as well as following me on Twitter at: @rmvcard

There will always be bullying

This morning I read a story about a little girl who cut all her hair off to show her support for a cause regarding children with Cancer. A noble effort on her part for sure, but story goes on to tell about how she was bullied at school for her dramatically changed appearance to the point where finally her parents took her out of that school as a result.

My question is, what are we teaching our kids if we run away from the bullies or demand that they stop their behavior. There will always be bullies, just like there will always be nerds, or jocks, or mean girls. When I was a little kid in school, I got picked on also (we called it being “picked on” back then). You know what my mother used to say? Turn the other cheek son or laugh it off, sometimes right at them because you know what?…after a while they (the bullies) are going to move on to someone else because they can’t “push your buttons” anymore. They can’t intimidate you. So it’s no fun for them. For the bully, it’s all about power or “control” issue in most cases because they have none at home. That home environment is another whole story in itself. That's not to say that a child shouldn't tell their parents about a bully, but at that point, it's the parents responsibility to make that a teaching moment. 

Is it any wonder that we have bullies? Just look at the video games parents allow their kids to play or what they see on TV or at the movies. Kids need to assert themselves and if their parents won’t teach them how to do it constructively at home, they are going to act out at school or elsewhere. Parents need to stop trying to be their child's friend and instead be their parent. Becoming their friend will simply come. The problem is not that we have to wipe out bullying; the problem is that we have to teach our children how to deal with it. Sadly in many cases, the parents themselves need to be taught how to teach self worth in their children themselves. For several generations now, parents have been at a loss on how to parent. These kids are going to have to deal with quite a bit more as they get older and if all we do is teach them that the bad people have to go away or stop, then they never have to learn how to navigate the obstacles they are going to come up against in life. Between the ages of 1 and 5, children are sponges. They soak up everything they see and hear. This is when you begin to teach children to have their own identity, to learn that they are an important person in the world. If they are not taught this at home, then they have to assert it elsewhere. Many, many parents are quite successful at teaching their children well, but many are not.

There will always be bullies. The right thing to do for your children is to teach them how to understand why the bully acts the way he/she does and to understand that there may be other “dynamics” going on in that child’s life that cause them to behave this way. It’s then and only then that your own child learns tolerance and understanding of the world around them.
I will add however that if bullying goes on to a dangerous point, then the proper authorities need to be brought in.

October is BreastCancer Awareness Month. Hooray for boobies...

The Many Splendors of Boobs

View My Collections >

By the time a woman reaches the age of 50 in America, she has heard just about every loveable, awful, demeaning, eye-rolling, cute and hysterical term for those two globs of fat that sit on her chest.
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so it's a good time to take stock of how to take care of our breasts, ourselves and our sisters who are battling this insidious disease.
In honor of those brave Warriors in Pink whom I know and those I have never met, this is for you. Laughter is the best medicine and hope cannot be prescribed in CCs and IVs. No one ever has the right to take your ability to hope away. So, what's in a name? Well, I'll tell you...

BOSOMS - There is nothing sexy about this term. It's Aunt Fanny in a cotton calico dress. These are the giant pillows that little children lay their heads on at naptime. Their two-car garage, boulder holder is most likely a Double D white cotton Woolworth's bra or more complicated girdle-like pre-Spanx contraption. Bosoms are way more than a handful, no longer springy and probably covered with baby powder or enough perfume to air freshen a room.

CLEAVAGE - OK, you're right, cleavage isn't typically a term for breast, but it's a preview, a prelude to a kiss. It's the trailer to the movie. Cleavage shows a little leg, it teases and offers a suggestion and the promise of more. But I had to include it. Cleavage is often preceded by the term "ample" and one customarily "sports" it.
HOOTERS - If breasts made noises, men must imagine they would hoot like a horn with joy. Perhaps that's how this mystifying nickname came into vogue. But alas, like the giraffe on the Serengeti, breasts are silent creatures. The fact that an entire adult restaurant franchise is named Hooters (and their logo is an owl whose eyes are two boobs with nipples) lets you know just how fun AND wise-like-an-owl this slang word is. Hooters connote the sexy librarian who takes off her glasses, lets her bun down and unbuttons her shirt. You go in for chicken wings and beer and end up with a face full of hooters! This is party city baby. If you're hootin' and hollerin' around, this is the term for you. No AA cups need apply.
BREASTS - An anatomically correct term for those globs of fat that sit on our chests. It's more delicate, like a wide champagne glass. "Breast" says classy, manageable. You can say breast in public. Hell you can ORDER chicken breast in a restaurant. It's acceptable without being clinical or denigrating. Breasts are the Limoges demitasse cups of the coffee world.
TITS - This is farm animal territory. It's two steps away from teats, a word that makes me shudder. I picture a cow's udders hooked up to hoses. Tit is a rough and service oriented term. It might also apply to that stage of motherhood where nursing Moms under extreme sleep deprivation believe they may actually now BE Bessie the Cow. And for the men who are too lazy to make their women feel loved and respected, this is the term for you. Good luck getting a home-cooked meal.
BOOBS - This word says sorority girl collegial and locker room cheerful. Boob just sounds fun, bouncy, no strings attached. Boobs don't have brains; they are ninnies, all harmless window dressing. It's a word you can write and say backwards or forwards. And fun, fun -- yes, even men can have boobs too! (Increasingly known as "moobs" which is short for man-boobs) The ambiguously ambidextrous quality of the word makes it a very safe and PC term in public.

RACK - This is flat out a dude's term, most often associated with hunting or butcher's cuts of meat. I think of "rack" as in lamb, the small defenseless baby animal that gets slaughtered at springtime. This is a gun-slingers term but Rack also goes with "rack and pinion steering," making it a mechanical term too. This nickname says "I'm gonna pull out some tools and tinker under the hood to get this baby running." Be afraid. And make sure he washes his hands.
TATAs - Kind of a nice way to messa 'round. This is a breezy, rapper, sing-songy word. It should have a dance step named after it. Even a toddler can say it and no one gets hurt. Tata is white bread and white rice soothing, no roughage or fiber to digest. Moreover, the use of simple syllabic names means you can give wide berth to the more clinical and scary anatomical terms that are just plain yucky (cross reference anatomy of the male sex organ). Among men this term is often preceded by the word "bodacious" for some inexplicable reason.
KNOCKERS - Ouch. This one is physical, the kissing cousin to another painful term "Speed Bags." Not good either, think Hulk Hogan. This calls to mind those perplexing old naked granny cartoons in Playboy or Hustler with torpedo shaped mammaries. I also think nostalgically of National Geographic magazine tribeswomen (pre-internet era porn for adolescent boys.) Knockers say, "gravity has taken its toll." It's kind of a caveman term for men at work--not play. Be warned, this is not Olivia Newton John's cheeky "Let's Get Physical." Nothing warm and fuzzy lives in the land of knockers.
THE GIRLS - This term is female retaliation, a smack down at men who, quite perplexingly name their male organs. You know what I'm talking about here, it's the sheer absurdity of pet names like "Big Pete" "Little Winky," "Carlos" and "Darth Vader." This disturbing custom validates the playful "buddy" relationship many men share with their body parts. The Girls is a non-threatening term that connotes comfort with ones own body. Think of the chick flick Bridesmaids and that take-back-the-night lingo that makes us feel all Helen-Reddy-I-Am-Woman-Hear-Me-Roar. This is also BFF speak, all cup sizes are welcome here and there's no hint of creepiness or sexism. "I'm taking the girls out tonight," means "I'm going to sport some contour." This is what happens when the old college sweatshirt comes off.
In the interest of brevity, I've left out other classics and potentially denigrating favorites such as jugs, melons, hogans, cans, headlights, fun bags, yabbos and gazongas. And I encourage you to chime in with some suggestions of your own. There's no question that the names for our mammaries are as varied, descriptive and nuanced as the women who own them.